Woeful Wizards: Order of the Phoenix
by Woeful Wizards
Summary: Harry and the gang are back for another round of melodramatic adventure, this time with added angst. A soap opera based on Harry Potter. Feel free to review.
1. Episode One

**Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode One:**

**A/N: I just wanted to say that this is going to be a ridiculously long season. And I will try to get a new episode up every week. This episode is late but THE NEXT ONES **_**WILL **_**BE ON TIME. For those of you joining us, the (s) means swivel.**

**Feel free to comment/review!**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry is lying in the dirt outside of the Dursley's house. He appears to not be moving. Just above him, there is a window in which Vernon and Petunia can be seen watching television.]

**Television:** And now, for the news! Record numbers of stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers strike reaches its second week-

**Harry:** (still not moving) IT WAS VOLDEMORT!

**Vernon:** (mildly) Harry, would you like to join us in the living room?

**Harry:** NO. YOU MUGGLES WOULDN'T (s) UNDERSTAND.

**Petunia:** You're going to get your clothes dirty, sweetheart.

**Harry:** (stands up) FINE THEN. I'm going to go (s) on a walk.

[Harry storms off.]

**Vernon:** Oh look, an unexplained disappearance and a strange accident.

**Petunia:** Interesting…

[Silent music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Ron and Hermione are at Grimmauld Place, playing cards.]

**Ron:** Have you got a (s) seven?

**Hermione:** Do you think we should (s) tell Harry about everything that's going on?

[Silence]

**Ron:** No.

[They resume playing. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry is at a park, moodily swinging on a… swing. Dudley and his mates approach him.]

**Dudley:** Right, now that we've done all of our homework, what shall we do next?

**Piers:** Perhaps we should volunteer at a homeless shelter?

**Gordon:** Or maybe care for the elderly?

**Dudley:** (sees Harry) I'm going to walk home with my cousin. Good bye, pals!

[Dudley's friends wave and exit. Dudley approaches Harry.]

**Dudley:** Shall we walk together, Harry?

**Harry:** (s) You look like a pig.

**Dudley:** Okay.

[They start walking together.]

**Dudley: ** Harry, have you been feeling well lately?

**Harry:** (testily) Why do you (s) ask?

**Dudley:** Well, you've been moaning in your sleep and calling out this name, Cedric, and I went into your room once and I thought I saw someone standing in there as well but I blinked and then he was gone. Harry, I think you have a stalk-

**Harry:** (puts finger to Dudley's lips) What was (s) that?

**Voice:** (very faintly) … and den I pout un fthis lace n satan geddit skirt dat had allof dis lyk pidnk becuas im nt lef other giulrz…

**Harry:** (looks horrified) No, not (s) here!

[Two goffs Dementors come out of nowhere.]

**Dementor 1:** oh hai der vampyrse

**Dementor 2:** whogse da prep

**Dudley:** (falls to ground and starts choking) I don't feel well.

**Dementor 1:** omgi hes totali in luv wif me

**Harry:** (s) _Expecto- expecto- _

**Dementor 2:** letes all gho 2 ho ttopiccc oomg my kemical romcwace

**Harry:** (screams) _EXPECTO PATRONUM!_

[A stag comes out of nowhere. The Dementors run away, screaming]

**Dudley:** (pale and sweating) Oh dear, I think I'm dying.

[Mrs Figg appears out of nowhere]

**Mrs Figg:** Let me help you with (s) that.

**Harry:** Wow, you're a (s) Squib.

[They start to drag Dudley back to his house. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are hanging out at Malfoy Manor.]

**Draco:** This year's going to be (s) the best year ever!

**Crabbe:** So many (s) good things have happened already!

**Goyle:** We should tell Potter about them, (s) just to annoy him.

[Silence]

**Draco:** No.

[They resume hanging out. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is in the living room of the Dursley's house. Dudley is on the couch, barely breathing. Vernon and Petunia are just standing around.]

**Harry:** There is (s) no time to explain!

**Vernon:** But we're not doing anything right now.

**Harry:** NO! YOU DON'T (s) UNDERSTAND! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN!

**Petunia:** Why is our son dying?

**Harry:** (s) NO TIME!

[An owl "flies" through the window.]

**Harry:** (s) For me? (He grabs the letter, rips it open and reads out:)

"Dear Mr Potter,

You are expelled from Hogwarts.

Sucks to be you,

Mafalda Hopkirk."

[Dramatic music.]

**Harry:** I, I don't understand. (s) Why? (s) WHY? (He falls to the ground and stares wistfully up to the ceiling) I MUST FLEE.

**Petunia:** Dudley's getting worse.

**Vernon:** Shall I call an ambulance.

[Harry leaps up and is about to run out of the room when an owl "flies" into him.]

**Harry:** Ow. I mean, (s) what is this? (He rips open the letter and reads: )

"Harry,

Don't storm off, Dumbledore's sorting everything out. Don't leave your house.

Arthur."

[Harry frowns at the letter. Dudley begins to shake and foam starts coming out of his mouth.]

**Harry:** (pauses) DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, (s) LETTER!

[Harry rushes to the front door, when an abnormally large owl comes and "flies" into him. Harry collapses to the ground.]

**Petunia:** (picks up letter) I wonder what it says. (She reads aloud:)

"Dear Mr Potter,

You are not expelled from Hogwarts, but still have to come to a disciplinary hearing.

I'll get you next time,

Mafalda Hopkirk."

[Harry leaps up suddenly.]

**Harry:** (starts to sob) My life now has (s) meaning! Oh, and it was a Dementor that killed your son.

**Dudley:** I'm not dead.

**Harry:** Whatever.

**Vernon:** So, are you going to run away?

**Harry:** How could you (s) attempt to kick me out of the house?

**Vernon:** I'm not-

[Another owl "flies" in.]

**Petunia:** (takes the letter) Oh, it's addressed to me.

**Harry:** IT'S A HOWLER! (s) DUCK, AUNTIE!

[Harry tackles Petunia to the ground. The letter flies out of her hand and it lands on the floor and opens itself.]

**Howler:** Remember, swivel, my last, whispers, Petunia.

[The Howler disappears in a puff of smoke.]

**Harry:** (s) Dumbledore… (stares out into the distance)

**Vernon:** (looks from his wife lying on the floor to his dying son) Harry, I think you should go to your room.

**Harry:** (s) I HATE YOU ALL!

[Harry storms up stairs and slams the door to his bedroom. He then meekly opens it and goes inside his bedroom.]

**Harry:** I'm going to (s) write to all of my friends to get them to reply! (s) But how?

[Harry pauses, and scratches the top of his head for a moment. He then writes on three separate pieces of paper:

"Am trapped under a magical dragon and the only way I can escape is if you tell me what the hell is going on.

Harry."]

**Harry:** (kisses all three) Fly, fly my pretties!

[Harry chucks them out the window and stares out into the night sky. Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE ONE**


	2. Episode Two

**Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Two**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry is in his darkened room, listening to moody music moodily. There is a knock on the door.]

**Harry:** Go away (s and whispers) I'm dying.

[Vernon opens the door. He is dressed formally in a tuxedo.]

**Vernon:** We're going out, Harry. We've won the lottery for 100 million pounds! Would you like to come with?

[Harry throws a pillow at Vernon.]

**Harry:** (s) NO. I HATE YOU!

[Vernon looks confused and leaves. Harry lies in his bed, in the dark, grimacing.]

**Harry:** (angstily) I now I (s) don't have a pillow.

[The Dursleys can be heard leaving. Shortly after, more voices can be heard but are obviously not the Dursleys.]

**Harry:** (sits up) I- wh- what's going- (s) BURGLARS!

[Harry grabs his wand, throws open the door of his bedroom and leaps out. Standing in the corridor is Tonks, Lupin, Moody and other wizards.]

**Harry:** Who are (s) you?

**Tonks:** Tonks.

**Moody:** (fiddles with his bowtie) Well, technically her name is another name but because of parallel universes it's very dangerous and the whole thing can just go (Tonks glares at Moody) … ka blooey.

**Harry: **But what about (s) the Dursleys?

**Lupin:** We told them they won the lottery!

[Everyone laughs.]

**Harry:** They deserve (s) it.

**Moody:** Come one! Gerinomo and all that! (Pops on a fedora and runs out the house)

**Harry:** But where are we (s) going?

**Tonks:** It's a secret.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are chilling at Malfoy Manor.]

**Draco: **What shall we (s) do, friends?

**Crabbe:** Well, we could-

[There is a knock at the window. Draco and the gang freeze and turn to the window.]

**Goyle:** (scared) H- hello?

[Silence.]

**Crabbe**: (laughs) That was weird. Now-

[There is another knock on the window. Draco and the gang scream. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and the wizards are all standing outside a gap between two buildings.]

**Harry**: (confused) Why are we (s) here? There's nothing.

**Moody:** Oh, that's my job.

[Moody runs over to Harry.]

**Moody:** Now Harry, I want you to close your eyes and concentrate. (Harry does so) Right, now I want you to remember, remember what I- hang on. Wrong thing and person and place and time. (Rummages through pockets) Aha! Here it is! (Pulls out piece of paper and gives it to Harry, who still has his eyes shut) Open your eyes, Harry.

**Harry:** (looks down at piece of paper in his hands and gasps) Magic!

[The piece of paper reads: 12 Grimmauld Place]

**Harry:** But… it (s) doesn't exist.

**Lupin:** Look again, Harry.

**Harry: **What? (s and gasps) Oh my Merlin…

[A house has suddenly appeared in the gap. Sirius opens the door, leaps out and hugs Harry.]

**Sirius:** Welcome (s) home, Harry.

**Harry:** (sobbing) Sirius!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are still at Malfoy Manor. They all look shit scared.]

**Crabbe:** ERMAHGERD.

**Goyle:** That visitor was really (s) something.

**Draco:** I didn't even know that they (s) were still alive.

**Crabbe:** What are we going (s) to do?

**Draco:** The only thing we can do. (s) Obey his wishes.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is inside the corridor of Grimmauld Place, greeting everyone.]

**Harry:** Hi Molly, Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, and… Ginny.

[Ginny is casually sitting on the staircase with her legs crossed. She is dressed quite skimpily and no longer had the appearance of a mound of clothes.]

**Ginny:** (hair toss) Hey Harry.

[Harry continues to stare at Ginny. Ron and Hermione come up from behind.]

**Ron:** (crying) HARRY! (Leaps forward and jumps on Harry, hugging him.)

**Hermione:** It's so great to (s) see you!

**Harry:** Can I talk with you two (s) in private?

**Hermione:** … sure.

[Everyone else leaves. The last to go is Ginny, who pouts at Harry before leaving the corridor.]

**Harry:** Is something (s) new with Ginny?

**Hermione:** Yeah, she no (s) longer like you.

**Harry:** Fuck.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Back to Draco and the gang at Malfoy Manor.]

**Crabbe:** How do we know (s) that it's a dude?

**Goyle:** Yeah, he was dressed very (s) metrosexually.

**Crabbe:** It could have (s) been a female.

**Draco:** (s) SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!

[Crabbe and Goyle look shocked. Draco looks angry.]

**Draco:** I know it's a dude because, because…

[Long dramatic pause]

**Draco:** … he's my real father.

[Dramatic music.]

**Crabbe:** (s) Really?

**Draco:** No, you guys are just being ridiculous. I could see his sideburns.

[Slightly less dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and the gang are in a bedroom together. They are all sitting on the bed.]

**Harry:** (quietly) So… what have you two been doing?

**Ron:** (shrugs) Not much.

**Harry:** (grabs a lamp and throws it at the wall) LIARS! (s) YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME!

**Hermione:** (s) No, we haven't!

**Harry:** THEN WHAT DO YOU CALL (s) THIS!

[Harry holds up the piece of paper with "12 Grimmauld Place" written on it.]

**Harry:** I'M WAITING FOR AN (s) ANSWER!

**Ron:** Harry, we have nothing to do with-

**Harry:** I AM ANGRY! (s) REALLY ANGRY!

[Harry picks up a pillow and smashes it against Ron's face, who collapses.]

**Hermione:** Harry, this is a perfectly normal reaction.

[Harry roars in response and starts pulling the curtains down.]

**Hermione:** But we haven't been allowed to tell you anything.

[Harry now tries to climb the bookcase, pulling down books as he goes.]

**Hermione:** We're not even (s) allowed in the meetings.

[Harry pauses, now crouched on top of the bookcase, and looks at Hermione questioningly. Moments later, he is back on the bed with her.]

**Harry:** Oh, I understand now.

[Ron sits up suddenly and shakes himself a little bit.]

**Ron:** Bacon.

**Hermione:** Ron, (s) Harry's calmed down.

**Ron:** Oh good. Have you (s) told him that everyone hates him now?

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Hermione:** It's (s) true…

[Hermione hands Harry a newspaper. The headline reads "We Do Not Like Harry Potter So Much Anymore".]

**Harry:** I, I- (puts his head into Hermione's lap) don't understand… (starts to cry)

**Hermione:** Neither do I, Harry. (s) Neither do I.

**Ron:** I never understand.

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE TWO**


	3. Episode Three

**Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Three**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry, the Weasleys, Hermione and the Order of the Phoenix are having dinner at 12 Grimmauld Place.]

**Harry:** My! These sprouts are (s) delicious!

**Ginny:** As are your eyes, Harry.

**Molly:** (ignores Ginny) Thanks, Harry.

[Harry stares at Ginny, who flutters her eyelashes in return. Harry looks uncomfortable.]

**Harry:** S-so, what have you guys been up to?

**Sirius:** (stands up) He has a (s) right to know, Molly.

**Molly:** How (s) dare you! In front of children as well! Everyone except Harry leave!

**Fred:** We're over seventeen.

**George:** So we're no longer teen.

**Hermione:** He'll tell (s) me and Ron anyway.

[Everyone looks at Ginny and waits. She scowls back at all of them.]

**Ginny:** Fine then. I'll just (s) be in my room, all alone, waiting. (She winks slowly at Harry.)

[Ginny exits and Harry sighs.]

**Sirius:** What would you like to (s) know, Harry?

**Harry:** Just, you know, a recount of your holidays I guess.

**Sirius: **(places hands on Harry's shoulder and stares deep into his eyes) Are you ready for this responsibility, Harry? Because this is top secret-

**Molly:** (stands up) STOP! He's not James!

**Sirius:** And you're not (s) his mother!

**Molly**: (whispers) I might as well be.

[Dramatic music. Harry swivels to Molly and looks shocked.]

**Harry:** (eyes shining with tears) I had no idea.

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are at Malfoy Manor.]

**Crabbe:** We haven't been doing much lately.

**Goyle:** That's because there hasn't been anyone to interact with besides ourselves.

**Draco:** Hey, guess what I (s) just found!

**Crabbe:** What?

**Draco:** (s) Pottermore!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[At dinner at Grimmauld Place.]

**Sirius:** … basically, we've been trying to stop Voldemort or something.

**Harry:** (gasps) I'm shocked!

**Molly:** Don't tell him anything else otherwise… this gets personal.

[Everyone starts to clear their plates away.]

**Ron:** So, Mum, do you think of me in the same way that you consider Harry?

**Molly:** Of course I do, Charlie.

**Ron:** It's Ron.

**Molly:** Whatever.

**Sirius:** Harry, I need to (s) show you something.

**Harry:** (s) … okay.

[Sirius takes Harry to the living room.]

**Sirius:** This is the (s) Black tapestry.

**Harry:** (whistles) That's quite something.

[Covering an entire wall is a whiteboard, with a family tree on it.]

**Sirius:** Let's see, that was me but my mother rubbed me out…

**Harry:** Wow, magic.

**Sirius:** … yes, quite. And there was Tonks's mother but again, rubbed out… oh and there's Bellatrix Lestrange…

[Harry twitches at the sound of her name. Sirius doesn't notice.]

**Sirius:** … and there was Arthur… and Molly was there…

**Harry:** Hang on, they're (s) related?

**Sirius:** What?

**Harry:** Molly and Arthur are… related?

**Sirius:** I don't- I don't, um (scratches head) What was I- ah yes! And there's the Malfoys…

[Sirius continues to ramble on. Harry looks at him disgustedly. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are in Draco's bedroom, on the internet together.]

**Crabbe:** It's like (s) virtual school!

**Goyle:** Wow! We're making potions!

**Draco:** Okay, now I just have to wave my wand…

**Crabbe:** QUICKLY! You only have (s) six seconds left!

**Draco:** AHHH…. And got it!

[They all cheer and high five each other.]

**Goyle:** How long 'til it's ready?

**Crabbe:** Uh, an hour and twenty three minutes.

**Draco:** (s) WHAT.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry, the gang, Fred, George, Ginny, Molly and Sirius are doing some cleaning.]

**Sirius:** OH MY GOD I AM SO BORED.

**Hermione:** Sirius, you're (s) hand!

[Sirius's hand is covered in a crust.]

**Sirius:** (taps hand with wand) Huh, must be Wartcap powder. (s) I AM SO BORED.

**Molly:** Let's clean out this cupboard, shall we?

[Everyone nods and begin to clean out the cupboard.]

**Ron:** Hey, what's (s) this?

[Ron holds up a locket.]

**Hermione:** Open (s) it!

**Ron:** (tries to open it) I- I can't.

[Dramatic music.]

**Sirius:** Oh, let me. (snatches the locket off of Ron) Hang on, neither can I.

[One by one, everyone tries to open the locket but to no avail.]

**Fred:** This thing is obviously useless.

**George:** It makes me toothless.

**Hedwig:** (swoops in) FORESHADOWING.

**Harry:** How did (s) you get out of your cage?

**Hermione:** Obviously let us forget this ever happened.

**Ginny:** Good idea.

[They through the locket away. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are still at the computer, staring at the screen.]

**Draco:** Why can't I (s) duel anyone?

**Crabbe:** How much (s) longer on the potion?

**Draco:** Uh… it's finished brewing now!

**Goyle:** Cool! Click on it!

**Draco**: (clicks) Wait, I have to do more stuff? (s) I JUST WAITED FOR A BLOODY HOUR AND A HALF FOR THIS TO BREW.

**Crabbe:** Technically an hour and twenty three minutes.

**Draco:** (s) SHUT UP.

[Draco moodily clicks on the screen. Crabbe and Goyle watch him, bored.]

**Draco:** It's (s) done.

**Goyle:** Now what?

**Draco:** I- I don't know.

**Crabbe:** Maybe we click on it and get a (s) badge or something?

[Draco clicks.]

**Goyle:** Nope, nothing. But you did get (s) five house points.

**Crabbe:** Can you (s) do anything with it?

**Goyle:** I guess not, huh, Draco?

[Draco does not respond, but instead stares intensely at his computer screen.]

**Goyle:** … Draco?

**Draco:** NOT EVEN A BLOODY MINI GAME!

[Draco stands up, picks up his computer, and throws it on the ground. He then lights it on fire.]

**Crabbe:** Woah.

**Draco**: (s) Let us never speak of this again.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and Ron are in their jim-jams, getting ready for bed in their bedroom.]

**Harry:** I'm so (s) nervous about tomorrow.

**Ron:** What's (s) happening tomorrow?

**Harry:** (s) My trial.

[Dramatic music. Molly comes into the room.]

**Molly:** Oh, and by the way Arthur's taking you. And Dumbledore was here.

[Molly exits, taking a sock with her.]

**Harry:** (whispers) Dumbledore… how (s) could you?

**Ron:** (cheerily) 'night, Harry!

[Ron turns off the light and goes to bed. Harry remains sitting up in bed.]

**Harry:** (whispers) Dumbledore…

[Harry falls asleep. A figure comes to the window and peers in.]

**Figure:** Harry… tomorrow we (s) shall meet.

[Very dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE THREE**


	4. Episode Four

**Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Four**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and Arthur are travelling to the Ministry of Magic. They are currently on the "tube"]

**Arthur:** Harry…

**Harry**: (s) Yes?

**Arthur:** Do you know what the, uh, Oh Lee Em Pics are?

[Harry stares at Arthur in horror.]

**Harry:** … not a clue.

[The camera pans out, showing that Harry and Arthur are surrounded by a sea of Olympic-themed madness. Olympic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco is at Malfoy Manor, playing on a gaming console. Mr Malfoy walks in.]

**Mr Malfoy:** Well, I'm off.

**Draco:** (bored) Where?

**Mr Malfoy:** To the Ministry of Magic.

**Draco:** Bye then.

**Mr Malfoy:** To see Harry Potter's hearing.

**Draco:** (s) WHAT.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and Arthur are in the Ministry of Magic, in Arthur's office.]

**Arthur:** And this is my office.

**Harry:** It's rather (s) small.

**Arthur:** (offended) But…

[Perkins pops out of nowhere.]

**Arthur:** Perkins!

**Perkins:** (yells) IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

**Arthur:** What are you-

**Harry:** (s) OF COURSE. THEY'VE MOVED THE TIME AND THE PLACE.

[Harry runs off. Arthur stares at Perkins questioningly.]

**Perkins**: (shrugs) No one insults _my_ office and gets away with it.

**Scene 4:**

[Draco is at Malfoy Manor, with Crabbe and Goyle on Skype.]

**Draco:** Do you know what this (s) means?

**Crabbe:** No.

**Draco:** WE HAVE TO (s) RESCUE POTTER!

[Dramatic music.]

**Goyle:** Why?

**Scene 5:**

[Harry bursts into Courtroom Ten. A bunch of wizards, including Fudge and a strangely masculine woman dressed all in pink, look up and stare at him, surprised.]

**Harry:** (points finger accusingly) HOW DARE YOU CHANGE THE TIME AND VENUE WITHOUT TELLING ME.

**Fudge:** But we didn't.

**Harry:** THEN WHY ARE YOU (s) HERE?

**Fudge:** This is our break room. We're having breakfast.

**Harry:** (looks confused) Oh… but I- PERKINS!

[Dumbledore throws open the doors and flounces in.]

**Dumbledore:** What is the (s) meaning of this?

**Fudge:** We're having tea.

**Dumbledore:** (s) And you thought I wouldn't find out.

**Fudge:** But-

**Dumbledore:** Let's just get this (s) twisted phantasmagoria over with.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco is still at Malfoy Manor, still on Skype with his gang.]

**Crabbe:** I thought we hated Potter.

**Draco:** (s) WE DO.

**Goyle:** Then why do we want to rescue him?

**Crabbe:** Sure it is more beneficial to us to just let him hurt himself.

**Goyle:** Maybe we should even help them in some way.

**Crabbe:** Yeah, why not?

**Draco:** (s) BECAUSE HE SAVED MY LIFE.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry, Dumbledore and the Ministry are in Courtroom Ten, aka the break room.]

**Fudge:** Well, since you are here anyway I guess we could do it now.

**Dumbledore:** You (s) better.

**Fudge:** Right, well, uh, Harry James Potter you are charged with casting a Patronus charm in front of a Muggle. Do you deny these charges?

**Harry:** No.

[Silence.]

**Fudge:** Well, then I guess I'll have to convict you.

**Dumbledore:** STOP! I have a (s) surprise witness.

[Dramatic music.]

**Fudge:** Who is it?

**Dumbledore:** Mrs (s) Figg.

[Mrs Figg comes in. More dramatic music.]

**Dumbledore:** TAKE THAT, FUDGE!

**Fudge:** Quite. Well, Mrs Figg, what happened?

**Mrs Figg:** Yes, I am a Squib but there's no need to let your prejudices show. Well, these Dementors were running-

**Bones:** Gliding.

**Mrs Figg:** Yeah, gliding. They looked like they had big black cloaks on or something-

**Harry:** I'm screwed.

**Mrs Figg:** -and it felt like (s) all the happiness had gone from the world.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 8:**

[At Malfoy Manor. Draco is still on Skype with his gang.]

**Goyle:** When did Harry Potter save your life?

**Draco:** Well, okay, he didn't actually-

**Crabbe:** So we have no reason to rescue him.

**Draco: **No, not technically but we should-

**Goyle:** Draco, it is (s) seven in the morning. I am not going to go to bloody London to rescue Harry Freaking Potter. Good (s) bye.

[Goyle logs off.]

**Draco:** Are you going to (s) leave me as well, Crabbe?

**Crabbe:** Well…

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 9:**

[In Courtroom Ten. Harry and Dumbledore are facing the wizard court. No, that is not the technical name but bear with me.]

**Fudge:** I guess that you'll be excused from-

**Dumbledore:** (s) You do not have the authority to expel Hogwarts students.

**Fudge:** I didn't say-

**Dumbledore:** It is against the law to interfere with the punishment of (s) my students.

**Fudge:** Okay.

**Dumbledore:** Why were there (s) Dementors in Little Whinging in the first place?

**Fudge:** Um.

**Dumbledore:** Unless it is a (s) CONSPIRACY.

**Harry:** (stands up) I KNEW IT.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 10:**

[Hermione and Ron are at the Burrow, playing Wizard Monopoly with Ginny, Fred and George.]

**Hermione:** I wonder how (s) Harry is going.

**Ginny:** Probably sexually. (Fluffs hair.)

**Fred:** Ginny, we think you need to stop.

**George:** Before your cherry goes pop.

**Hermione:** (s and testily) What are you saying?

**Fred:** We are just looking out for her.

**George:** We'd do that for you and more.

**Hermione:** No, but what you're saying is-

**Ron:** (stands up) I MISS HARRY.

[Everyone stares at Ron, who gazes mystically at the ceiling.]

**Scene 11:**

[In Courtroom Ten. Things have escalated quickly.]

**Fudge:** NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SMELLS.

**Dumbledore:** DON'T HATE ME 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T ME.

**Harry:** MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.

[The manly woman in pink stands up and clears her throat.]

**Fudge:** WHAT IS IT, UMBRIDGE?

**Umbridge:** Well, I just wanted to say that Mr Potter here has a little reputation for hitting people over the head with food, so I don't think he should be excused.

[Umbridge sits down.]

**Fudge:** Thank you, Umbridge. (s) Let's vote. All those in favour of excusing Mr Potter from his accusations?

[Everyone puts their hands up except for Umbridge and Fudge.]

**Fudge:** And those who think Mr Potter should be convicted?

[Everyone puts their hands up except for Harry, Dumbledore and Bones.]

**Fudge:** No wait, you can only vote once. Let's do that again-

**Dumbeldore:** NO! IT'S THREE AGAINST (s) TWO!

**Fudge:** HOW?

**Dumbledore:** HARRY! (s) YOU ARE NOT EXPELLED FROM HOGWARTS!

**Harry:** (jumps into the air) YES!

**Fudge:** You won't get away with this.

**Dumbledore:** Whateves.

[Dumbledore prances away.]

**Harry:** But what about (s) me?

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE FOUR**

**A/N: Kind of forgot to upload last week. I apologise sincerely. BUT I am going to do two this weekend! So expect another one soon-ish.**


	5. Episode Five

**Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Five**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and Ron are in their bedroom with their unopened letters from Hogwarts.]

**Harry:** You (s) open yours first.

**Ron:** No, you (s) open yours first.

**Harry:** No, you.

[Fred and George apparate into the room.]

**Fred:** Don't be such pussies.

**George:** You guys are both wussies.

[Harry and Ron look at each other, shrug and tear open their letters. Ron goes white immediately.]

**Harry:** We have new (s) books.

**Fred:** I wonder; who's our new teacher?

**George:** I hope it's not a preacher.

**Ron:** Harry…

**Harry:** Maybe it will be (s) someone dreamy…

**Fred:** Or someone whose hair is orange.

**George:** (long pause) You dick.

**Ron: **(stands up and s) I am the new Gryffindor prefect.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[At Malfoy Manor. Draco and the gang are in Draco's bedroom with their unopened letters from Hogwarts.]

**Crabbe:** You (s) open yours first.

**Draco:** Okay.

[Draco and Goyle tears theirs open. Crabbe looks annoyed, but opens his as well, moodily.]

**Goyle:** Sweet. We've got to go shopping.

**Crabbe**: (s) Really? Because your repetitive wardrobe is starting to annoy me.

**Goyle:** (cattily) Meow. [Ha ha, I just made a pun. Not really actually. BUT STILL.]

**Draco:** Guys… I'm (s) Prefect.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry is at the party celebrating Ron and Hermione becoming prefects. Moody is near him, showing him a photograph.]

**Moody:** Look, there's me with your parents! Aw, they were always so up for adventure! We would travel –

**Harry:** (s) Moody?

**Moody:** (fiddles with bowtie) Yes, Harry?

**Harry:** I have (s) inner angst.

**Moody:** We all have inner angst, Harry. It's just a natural part of things. Espicially if you're the last of your kind and the things I've done to people that I've loved have not been nice, but it was the right thing to do AND I KILLED MY OWN PEOPLE.

[Moody stares intensely into the middle distance. After a minute, Harry awkwardly goes over to Ron instead.]

**Harry:** (s)Ron?

**Ron:** (s) Harry?

**Harry:** (takes Ron's hand) I am (s) glad you made prefect, Ron.

**Ron:** I (s) believe in you, Harry.

**Harry:** (s) Thanks.

**Scene 4:**

[Back at Malfoy Manor.]

**Crabbe:** I am (s) not surprised.

**Goyle:** (s) Draco?

**Draco:** Yes?

**Goyle:** But what about (s) us?

**Draco:** What do you (s) mean?

**Goyle:** What will happen to our (s) friendship?

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and the gang are dancing at the party.]

**Hermione:** WOOH, THIS IS AWESOME!

**Harry:** Are you okay, (s) Hermione?

**Hermione:** YEAH, WHY?

**Ron:** You're (s) shouting.

**Hermione:** MUNDUNGUS GAVE ME SOME PILLS AND I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL QUITE GOOD.

**Harry:** (pause) Shit.

[There is a piercing scream.]

**Ron:** (s) MY MOTHER!

[Everyone rushes upstairs, to see Molly confronting a Dementor. Molly is cowering in the corner.]

**Dementor:** nd den I slipi my hand donw vampyires pansts an is yu kjnow wha isd alkj hasrd liyk a carrloft

**Harry:** (s) No!

**Dementor:** oh ai vamlire nd mary bnloody sjimth and dibaloe u al wan jktsj of dis rite

**Lupin:** _Ridikulus_!

[A poster of Hillary Duff appears.]

**Dementor:** anh nkeo a perpp

[The Dementor vanishes with a puff of smoke. Harry rushes to Molly's aid.]

**Harry:** (clasping Molly to his chest) I never knew I (s) meant that much to you.

**Molly:** What language were they speaking in?

**Harry:** Hush, child, you're (s) safe now.

[Harry continues to rock Molly back and forth whilst humming a lullaby. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[At Malfoy Manor. Draco and the gang are puzzling out how to overcome this new barrier to their friendship.]

**Crabbe: **What if we (s) also became prefects.

**Draco:** There's only one (s) prefect, Vincent.

**Goyle:** What if we become a (s) team?

**Draco:** And we will be called (s) Draco's Inquisitorial Squad!

**Crabbe:** And we will (s) solve crimes!

[Silence.]

**Goyle:** What a (s) great idea!

**Draco:** Golly, there is (s) no flaw to it.

[Triumphant music.]

**Scene 7:**

[At Platform 9 3/4. Harry and the gang, the Weasleys, Tonks and Sirius as a dog are all on the platform.]

**Sirius:** (wags tail) Woof.

**Harry:** Sirius, how do you think this year at (s) Hogwarts will go?

**Sirius:** Ruff.

**Harry:** I shall (s) take your wise words of advice to heart and abide by them.

**Hermione:** Harry, we've got to (s) board the train.

**Harry:** Goodbye (s) Sirius.

[Sirius and the adults leave. The students enter the train.]

**Harry:** (cheerily) let's (s) grab a cabin!

**Ron:** Harry, (s) we've got to go do prefect things.

**Harry:** (angstily) Oh. (s) Goodbye, then.

**Ron:** (s) Goodbye.

**Hermione:** Come on, let's (s) go.

[Ron and Hermione leave Harry all alone. Ginny comes up behind Harry.]

**Ginny:** (whispers into his ear) Come on, let's find a place where we can be alone.

**Harry:** … okay.

[Ginny takes Harry by the hand and leads him into a cabin with Neville and a girl in a corner, reading a magazine upside down.]

**Ginny:** Harry, this is Neville…

**Neville:** 'sup.

**Ginny:** (gestures to girl in corner) … and Luna Lovegood.

[Luna lowers the magazine and lifts one eyebrow.]

**Harry:** (waves) Hello.

**Luna:** (scoffs) Ugh, _so_ mainstream.

[Harry looks confused. Confused music.]

**Scene 8:**

[Draco and the gang are in a cabin on the Hogwarts express]

**Draco:** What should we (s) do now?

**Crabbe:** (s) Solve mysteries!

**Goyle:** But (s) what mysteries?

[Silence.]

**Draco:** We're going to need someone to (s) tell us about mysteries.

**Goyle:** Like (s) who?

**Crabbe:** I know.

**Draco:** (surprised) You do?

**Crabbe:** Yes. We are going to need someone who is an authority figure, but with a thirst for more power and knowledge. And someone who is stupid enough to enlist teenage boys to help them.

**Goyle:** Wow, that was (s) impressive.

**Crabbe:** (blushes) Oh it was nothing.

**Draco:** Then we know our first mystery. (s) To solve the mystery of us having a boss.

[Detective music.]

**Scene 9:**

[Harry is awkwardly sitting in the cabin with Ginny, Neville and Luna.]

**Harry:** Why are you (s) reading your magazine upside down?

**Luna:** I'm doing it ironically. Duh.

**Harry:** …right. (sighs and looks out the window.)

[Sad music.]

**END OF EPISODE FIVE**


	6. Episode Six

**Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Six**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry, Neville, Ginny and Luna are getting off the train. Other Hogwarts students are getting off as well.]

**Harry:** So, let's uh-

**Ginny:** (flutters eyelashes) You can do whatever you want, Harry.

**Luna:** (scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.

**Neville:** (grunts) Humph.

**Harry:** (looks scared) Listen, you guys seem to be a (s) little-

[Hermione and Ron come running up to greet Harry and others.]

**Ron:** Hi!

**Harry:** (s) THANK MERLIN.

[Harry embraces Ron and refuses to let go. Hermione looks confused.]

**Luna:** (scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.

**Hermione:** (s) Excuse me?

**Luna:** (pauses) Nothing.

**Harry:** (still clinging on to Ron) Where's (s) Hagrid?

**Ron:** I- I don't know.

[Dramatic music.]

**Ginny:** We should really get... in to some carriages.

[Ginny winks at Harry, who whimpers and hides behind Ron.]

**Hermione:** Good (s) idea.

[The group walks over to some carriages, which are being pulled by some creepy looking horses.]

**Harry:** (lets go of Ron) Woah, whoah, hold up. What are (gestures to horses) they?

**Ron:** What do you (s) mean, Harry?

**Harry:** Those things pulling the (s) carriages.

**Hermione:** Harry, there's nothing there. Like (s) always.

[Dramatic music.]

**Harry:** (s) But...

[The rest of the group enters a carriage, except Harry and Luna, who hang around outside. Harry approaches a horse and starts to touch it.]

**Harry:** I don't (s) understand.

**Luna:** (scoffs) I can see them too.

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Luna:** You're just as sane as I am. (scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Luna:** Get in the carriage, fool.

[Luna enters the carriage, leaving Harry standing and looking very confused. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are in a carriage together.]

**Draco:** But who (s) shall be our authority figure?

**Crabbe:** What about (s) Snape?

[Everyone bursts out laughing.]

**Goyle:** No, he's not our friend!

**Draco:** It cannot be anyone (s) in cahoots with Dumbledore.

**Crabbe:** What about (s) Dumbledore?

[Dramatic music.]

**Goyle:** ... no.

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and the gang are sitting with the rest of the Gryffindors in the Great Hall.]

**Harry:** I wonder (s) who is going to be our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

**Ron:** Maybe it'll be (s) Moody again!

**Hermione:** No, Ron, no.

**Harry:** I hope it will be (s) a friend.

[Thunderclaps and lightning can be seen and heard outside. The doors swing open, and the gust of wind blows out all the candles. In comes a woman, looking extremely manly, dressed all in pink.]

**Umbridge:** Hello.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table.]

**Draco:** Are you (s) thinking what I'm thinking, gang?

**Goyle:** (s) Maybe?

**Crabbe:** I (s) hope so.

**Draco:** We've (s) found our authority figure.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and the gang are looking gobsmacked at the Gryffindor table.]

**Ron:** She's so (s) masculine.

**Hermione:** (hits Ron over the head) RON! Be more (s) accepting.

**Harry:** She looks kind of (s) familiar.

[Umbridge takes her seat at the teacher's table. Dumbledore stands up and flutters to the podium.]

**Dumbledore:** Welcome to another (s) glitter-tastic year at Hogwarts!

[Confetti canons go off and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling. Everyone cheers.]

**Dumbledore:** We've got a very (s) special first day back treat, and as it is time sensitive-

**Umbridge:** (coughs) If you don't mind, Albus.

**Dumbledore:** (s) Oh, I see how it is.

[Dumbledore flits back to his seat, and sits in it sassily.]

**Umbridge:** Hello, children.

[The students mumble amongst themselves.]

**Umbridge:** I said, (screams) HELLO CHILDREN.

**Students:** HELLO.

**Umbridge:** I understand that there are certain people here that I am already... familiar with.

[Umbridge looks straight at Harry, who looks alarmed.]

**Umbridge:** But may I remind you that I am here not to be your friend, but to take revenge- I mean educate you. And to educate you further, I am now going to read out the Terms and Conditions for Australia Post. Here we go; "These Australia Post Terms and Conditions are made pursuant to..."

[Sign comes up with "Six hours later"]

**Umbridge:** "... agreement shall have no force or effect unless otherwise stated herein."

[Umbridge sits down. Everyone wakes up.]

**Harry:** Where (s) am I?

**Ron:** What happened?

**Hermione:** That was (s) illuminating.

**Harry:** (s) You were awake the whole time?

**Hermione:** No, actually, but I had a (s) weird dream about a vampire.

**Ron:** (s) Me too!

**Harry:** Well, at least it's (s) over.

[Dumbledore stumbles to the front.]

**Dumbledore:** (yawning) Due to Professor Umbridge's rather long speech, the life sized chocolate trolls have eaten each other by now. Everyone can now enjoy these brussel sprouts instead.

[Dumbledore waves his wand and brussel sprouts appear on everyone's plates.]

**Ron:** Oh, man.

**Harry:** No one makes (s) Harry Potter eat vegetables.

**Hermione:** What are you (s) saying, Harry?

**Harry:** I'm saying (s0 shoot just got personal.

[Dramatic music partly because he swore as well and also because it just got personal woah.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table, all slightly in shock.]

**Draco:** Well...

**Crabbe:** Do we still (s) want her to be our authority figure.

**Goyle:** H-e-double-hockey-sticks no.

**Crabbe:** (s) Draco?

**Draco:** New plan. We solve the Mystery of "WHY THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS IS UMBRIDGE EVEN HERE?" mystery.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and Ron are with the other Gryffindor boys in their dormitories.]

**Harry:** And then we should fill her office with (s) locusts.

**Ron:** (s) What about water balloons?

**Seamus:** Hey, Harry.

**Harry:** Yeah, Seamus?

**Seamus:** You suck.

**Harry:** (looks extremely offended) Well, ya mum.

[Everyone looks schokced and gasps and goes "ooh".]

**Seamus:** How (s) dare you?

**Harry:** Well I double dare you.

**Ron:** (moves inbetween them) Come on guys, there's no need to get physical.

**Seamus:** Harry, you're a liar.

**Harry:** (s) MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!

[Everyone looks shocked and stares at Harry.]

**Seamus:** (s) I don't know what I'm meant to believe in anymore.

**Harry:** (takes Seamus's face in his hands) Believe in (s) me.

**Seamus:** I can't.

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE SIX **


End file.
